I’m Not Addicted to Oil, Asshole!

Have you heard the expression, “America is addicted to oil”, or “we’re all guilty of being addicted to oil”?

Where did this concept come from?

It came from Former President George Bush’s State of the Union Address in February, 2006.  Here’s his exact wording:

“Here we have a serious problem: America is addicted to oil, which is often imported from unstable parts of the world.”

During the winter of 2006, it was not uncommon for gasoline prices to reach $4 per gallon in some parts of the country. The outcry for renewable energy had less to do with improving our environmental impact, and more to do with ameliorating short-term financial woes.

Fuck that shit.

I believe the significance of Bush’s so-called admission was to lay guilt on everyone, but in a way that tolerated acceptance of the status quo. I’m saying Bush’s “confession” was merely a political move to appear he had some semblance of concern towards the planet’s well-being.

Our immediate reaction to being told we’re addicts – is that we’ve acknowledged we have a problem, and we’re helplessly tied to it. The mere fact that we’ve recognized the “problem” is somehow a positive step, and good enough for now.

There is no serious attempt to replace our usage of oil.  The US government will subsidize, inadequately, a host of possible solutions, but never make a full-fledged effort. The government will throw a few billion dollar for some research (pennies relative to the federal annual budget) and the masses can sleep easier. The US budget is over 3 trillion dollars a year. So, spending 10 billion on a renewable industry over the next 5 years, is not as impressive as it seems at first glance.

I encourage people to not buy into the idea that our economy and lifestyles are inextricably linked to the oil industry. A true market economy is one that constantly adapts to changes and innovation – newer, efficient industries supplant the obsolete.

Yes, you may lose your fucking job. But, you’ll be able to get a new fucking job. And maybe it will be one that doesn’t involve destroying the earth. Life won’t end!

As long as people view themselves as helpless addicts, I promise the US government will take her time on this “problem”.  And Oil Tycoons will continue, without any shame, to uphold their powerful place in our economic and political system.

Posted in Politics, Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Your Teeth Are Too White

I brush my teeth.

On most days, I brush them twice a day. If I’m feeling ambitious or a trifle sexy, it’s possible for me to clean them three to four times in a 24 hour period.

When it comes to flossing – not so much. It’s one of the most unpleasant, mundane activities I can think of. The late Mitch Hedburg once joked that giving up smoking was as hard as taking up flossing. That being said, I manage to floss once a week, or maybe once every couple weeks.

Point is – I have above average to very good dental hygiene. So, what color are my teeth? I would say off-white.

More and more frequently, I am noticing people with unnaturally, white teeth. Like 5 or 6 shades whiter than mine – as in 5 or 6 shades whiter than what real teeth are supposed to look like. Personally, I think it looks stupid, in the same way that fake tits look stupid. When something is so perfect to the point of being unnatural, it ceases being sexy and starts looking creepy.

And, how vain and perfect must we present ourselves?

Hey, look at my teeth. They’re freakishly white! I’m so attractive and affluent. I’m completely perfect – down to the whiteness of my tiny teeth. Have you ever seen such beautiful works of art mash the shit out of meat?!

When I see smiles that bright, it makes me think they’re radioactive, and that I should be wearing some sort of protective apron. I don’t find them becoming, but rather I find them repellant.

If you’re reading this, and have whitened teeth, I apoligize for sounding like a dick. I’m sure yours look really good on you. And I’m glad it makes you feel more confident. I absolutely agree that we live in a free country, and it’s none of my goddamn business what you do with your dentist behind closed doors. Also, you’re right about me – I’m too judgemental.

I should probably just go back to bitching about bugs.

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A Minute With Fuzzy Wuzzy

We’ve all heard the rumors about Fuzzy Wuzzy. Of course, we know he is a bear – a bear with no hair. But what else do we know about him?

Not much.

That’s why I sat down with Fuzzy, one-on-one recently, to find out who Fuzzy Wuzzy really is. The following is a transcript of our brief conversation:

Adam: Fuzzy, thank you for meeting with me today. I realize you’re a very busy bear.

Fuzzy: No problem. I appreciate the opportunity.

Adam: Fuzzy, how did you become a household name, yet no one knows much about you, other than the fact that you’re a bear?

Fuzzy: I think it’s all because I have such a stupid name, you know? So, my last name is Wuzzy, right? And my genuis parents decide to name me, Fuzzy. Some bears think it means they [Fuzzy’s parents] had a sense of humor – not me. To me, it means they’re a couple dicks.

Adam: Interesting stuff.

Fuzzy: Yeah, and then of course there’s the fact that I’m an unhairy bear, which is just sort of weird. And as it happens, bear rhymes with hair. So basically, when it comes to names, I really got fucked on this one, you know?

Adam: I see. I’ve always liked my name.

Fuzzy: Must be nice. I’ll never know how that feels.

Adam: Sorry to hear that.

Fuzzy: Bullshit.

Adam: Excuse me?

Fuzzy: No one knows what it’s like to be Fuzzy Wuzzy the unfuzzy bear, you motherfucker.

Adam: Fuck you, Fuzzy. You know what?! You’re name is fucking stupid and so are you.

(At this point in the interview, Fuzzy abruptly left his seat, put on his fur coat, and left without saying ‘bye’).

Posted in Unfunny Jokes | 1 Comment

When A Man Loves A Cat

I have a cat. I’m a single man and own a cat. And I have no regrets.
There’s sort of a stigma associated with bachelors that own cats – people think we’re kind of odd, you know. Some may say we’re secretive. And let’s get to the major association – people think it’s sort of gay.
I really don’t understand where this comes from…
Single men like cats for the same reason any other demographic would – for their companionship. Also, let’s face it, their cute, warm, and it’s fun to observe all their interesting quirks.
Is that gay?
If liking a cat for those reasons is gay, then I guess I also enjoy having sex with men – men who have dicks. And I have a dick, so the whole thing is really, really gay.

I’ll tell you what’s really weird, no matter who you are – is owning a hampster or gerbil, or any other rodent you throw in a 10 gallon cage. Even when I am at a pet store, where they’re on display for free, they can’t capture my attention for more than a few seconds. From what I’ve gathered, they scrunch their noises a lot and it’s pretty cute. Other than that, they eat and shit.
The whole nose thing is admittedly adorable, it really is. But let me ask you something – do you think it’s worth scooping up a hundred pounds of shit over seven to ten years, just to watch a furry rodent scrunch his nose? I’ve got better things to do, like pick my nose in the shower, or contemplate my naval as I poke it with my finger.

Posted in Personal | 1 Comment

Swimming in November

Ever notice on un-seasonably cold days,  you’ll hear a global  warming skeptic quip, ‘must be that global warming Al Gore has been warning us about.’

Fucking hilarious, guys.

Talk about a hasty generalization. Let’s look at one day of cold weather, and disregard years of meticulous research by a community of climatologists.  What a bunch of eggheads anyway. Betcha’ they don’t even get laid, like hardly ever.

Look! We had snow in April, climate change must be a fiction! Hurray! Let’s go spray some aerosol at the sky.

One might say, ‘relax mister, it’s just a joke’.

I’m not so sure. I really get the impression that there’s some serious protest behind comments like these.

Anyway, the next time I hear this type of skeptic, I’m going to put a cigarrette in his mouth, and say, ‘hey, can you believe these over-educated doctors say this shit causes lung cancer –  what a bunch of idiots, I ain’t dead yet.’

But, I guess to be fair, a number of scientists have raised some doubts about our impact on the planet. It’s true. There’s 3 of them.

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I hate bugs

I hate bugs.

As a general rule I think anything with more than 4 legs is an abomination. I’ve felt this way for quite sometime.  In fact, when I was 12 years old, I remember telling my father that the United States government should make extermination of all insects a top domestic priority.
My father wasn’t very supportive of this viewpoint – he had to explain to me the integral  part insects play in our ecological systems and vast number of different food chains they affect. In time, I understood that killing off these insects could actually threaten the very survival of homo-sapiens.
I’m not a stranger to compromise. How about we just exterminate all spiders and centipedes – because those motherfuckers are just disgusting. There’s over 20 million species of insects in the world – I think we can give up those gruesome bastards.
So if the world governments could unite and get a’ crackin on that, I’d appreciate it.

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Will the Real Michael Steele Please Stand Up?

The recent controversy involving Michael Steele’s condemnation of the War in Afghanistan has been utterly perplexing. It has raised many questions.

In short, Steele characterized the fighting in Afghanistan as, “Obama’s War” (as evidenced by the 30,000 troop surge in December). He also criticized the President for failing to understand that a war with Afghanistan will inevitability result in failure, claiming a student of history should know “land wars there tend to go badly for foreign occupiers.”

Michael Steele is the current Chairman of the Republican National Convention. His comments have been publicly denounced by powerful Republicans, including: John McCain, Lindsey Graham, Liz Cheney and Bill Kristol. Everyday since Steele’s supposed guffaw, the list of critics grows exponentially.

But, Why?
What is the real motive behind the support of his dismissal? Did Republicans think Steele could be their side’s Obama – black, charismatic, and well-spoken? And has his time to prove his worth expired?
Also, what is so incendiary about Steele’s remarks? The American publics’ support for the war, (according to Pew Research Group – as of December 2009) has waned in popularity (49% support a more isolationist foreign policy), especially since 2005.
Since it’s inception 8 years ago, a concise objective has never been articulated by the US government. Occasionally media commentators and strategists sternly warn that “defeat is not an option”, or that “losing the war will have serious consequences.”
What does success look like? Is it complete annihilation of all Taliban and Al Qaeda political influence, or does modest containment of these forces qualify? In either case, I cannot imagine an Afghanistan free of an active American base for decades, if ever.
If the US does withdrawal, how dangerous will the region become? Will it become a massive breeding ground for terrorist training camps? Will it present a real danger to the Western World?
How much of our interest in the area stems from it’s geo-strategic location – positioned conveniently nearby the Persian Gulf, Caspian Sea, and Central Asia? Also, how interested are we in the estimated $1 trillion dollar mineral industry waiting for some major economic power to tap (if not us, maybe China).
As I mentioned in the beginning, Chairman Steele’s faux pas has generated a lot of questions – some new, some revisited. Although, one thing is absolutely positive – Michael Steele has behaved like a spineless, political hack. After the first series of outcries, Steele immediately reversed his position, stating, “the stakes are too high for us to accept anything but success in Afghanistan.”

Backing down moments after someone criticizes your viewpoint is cowardly, and the action of an opportunist devoid of any integrity or credibility. I cannot in good conscience support a leader who does not respect his opinions enough to defend them when faced with marginal peer pressure.

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